Disclaimer: You may harbour some level of resentment towards me for what I am saying in some bits of this new blogpost. And aware as I may be, I chose to give myself a voice on the issue that I thought was a little too late to discuss. Besides, the recent shooting incident involving an 84-year-old Caucasian man and an African American high schooler, Ralph Yarl, got me thinking that stereotype and racism are two topics that will never get old, not as long as the human race walks the Earth. So here we go..

I never thought that I possessed a spectrum of racism nor I acknowledged that I have a particular view toward people of colour. I mean, I made amazing and meaningful friendships with women of colour across the globe! Yet, came the epiphany, when I was proven wrong and realised that I subconsciously thought one race is better than the others. To start with and if you have followed my journey, I have moved out of Kazakhstan and settled in Helsinki. A month after settling down, I finally managed to process all the changes of moving into a new country and therefore, have more time to see things in different light. As the thought-processing goes, it dawned on me that I might perceive the concept of race with a bias view. I became aware of the notion when I was rearranging my magazines stack. The awareness came like a thunderstorm in a dark autumn twilight, it was unpredictable, electrifying and yet, enlightening! Standing and feeling electrified, a particular memory rushed into the surface – a recent trip to Amsterdam where I was at a bookstore – Scheltema, picking up two issues of Vogue magazines at once (December issues published in France and the UK). Mind you, I have always looked into the table of contents before adding a new piece into my reading collection. But at that time, I didn’t even bother to do so!

I remembered feeling a bit guilty, thinking that I was spending money irresponsibly. However, I justified the purchase as a treat for missing out the previous issues due to geographical limitation. Truth to be told, the shopping spree happened cause I saw Elizabeth Debicki and Lily Collins posing on the magazine covers. To make it sound more dramatic, it never occurred to me that what seemed to be an impulsive purchase was, to some extent, provoked by a shadow of subconscious racism.

Another memory then resurfaced, a long stay in Paris back in May 2022. I was in the city to level up on my French adequacy. The stay in the so-called city of fashion was wonderful, and not once, I let myself miss the chance to bag some good readings. Until the moment when I felt troubled looking at Naomi Campbell and a pair of French rising stars gracing the front pages of Vogue. Deep down, my mind experienced a sort of cognitive dissonance, a situation where I was compelled to buy the magazine but did not really like seeing women with colour taking leading roles within the “White Establishment”. I eventually bought the magazine, but I certainly missed the warning.

Returning back to the present, to my two-room apartment in the centre of Helsinki and the two magazines in front of me, I started to realise what’s going on.. As I looked closer at the magazine covers filled with white Caucasian women, I was flabbergasted!

I mused, “Really??”

To my shame, I eventually saw that I held a certain belief system, so fixed to a certain beauty standard that my idea of beauty was dictated by a particular physical appearance.

I grew up surrounded by the narratives that beauty has measures – height, the hair colour, as well as the skin shade. As if the standard was not shallow enough, the measures were taken based on a political idea known as the White Supremacy. This legacy of European Colonialism didn’t only take a toll during the Second World War but also reigned supreme throughout the time including my childhood. It lingered in the form of mainstream media, which were supposed to be the gatekeeper of social morality and values. We saw it in movies with their blonde female characters, we listened to it in popular songs, and we wanted it through ads commercials paid by the big industry players, who to no surprise were white males. It was difficult to turn on TV without seeing a commercial of a white-skinned girl advertising a brightening skin care product during my teenage years. Funny.. because Indonesia, the country I grew up in, was located along the equator where brown skin is natural! Lo and behold, I became a person who conformed to a particular beauty standard that excluded women of colour. If you think that the narratives didn’t groom me to become a “racist”, then what is it? 

It is a common knowledge that before the era of inclusivity, models were predominantly white. Hugely successful series, let say, Seinfeld, Friends, Sex and the City or Dawson’s Creek, all have one in common. They have no leading characters from the under-represented groups. If there is a character played by an actor with a darker shade, the character serves merely as a prop to make the series funnier, geeker or stirring!

If that doesn’t convince you and if you are wondering what my point is? especially in relation to the recent incident?

I would say that our lives could not be separated from the narratives propagating white supremacy. Every day, we woke up consuming the lies and these lies became our identities. As long as we keep hearing stories about African-American men being shot during traffic by the local police officers or about Asian women who could only fit in two shoes, the scientist or the prostitute, it is difficult to escape racism! 

Thank God, we have been seeing more diversity in the ads nowadays. But, we are not there yet.. There is still a lot to be done. It was just a few months ago when I was one of those who were trapped in our own parochialism. Hadn’t I moved to Finland, I wouldn’t have the chance to my own flaw and would have been happy to splash some cash on magazines that put white girls on their covers! New life renders me a new pair of glasses that brings more colours into my perceptions. Even though, sometimes, I am still nudged by the idea that women of colour are breaking the glass ceiling.

As I said, the awareness came like a thunderstorm, yet the awakening might proceeds like a season. It takes days, weeks or even months. Care to join me?